Perfectionism and Self-Compassion

I was recently talking to someone who told me she doesn’t set New Year's Resolutions because she never keeps them.

Now, I’m neither for nor against “resolutions”, but I’m definitely for goals. And not setting a goal because you don’t know if you can achieve is the ultimate in backwards logic. You may or may not achieve the goal, but there is a whole lot to learn and experience by setting the goal and trying. We shouldn’t let what might happen in the end stop us from starting. (“Mitch, you want an apple?...”No, eventually it’ll be a core.”...you get the reference, right?...)

Often what stops us from completing goals is perfectionism. We have this idea that if we aren't sure we can succeed, it may not be worth trying. Dr. Brene Brown, a researcher at the University of Houston (and my ultimate girl crush), says, “Perfectionism is self-destructive simply because there is no such thing as perfect. Perfection is an unattainable goal”.

Perfectionism also has a physical impact on our bodies. Research shows that perfectionism can be “actively bad. Like cigarettes or obesity. A shorter lifespan, irritable bowel syndrome, fibromyalgia, eating disorders, depression, and suicidal tendencies are only a few of the adverse health effects that have been linked with perfectionism. Recovering from heart disease or cancer is also harder for perfectionists...” (Sandoiu).

So how do we overcome perfectionism? One way is to practice self-compassion. This requires work and effort on our part but the benefits are vital.

What is Self-Compassion?

Kristen Neff, Ph.D. is the self-compassion expert. According to her research, self-compassion has three parts: (1) self-kindness vs. self-judgment, (2) common humanity vs. isolation, and (3) mindfulness vs. overidentification. Let’s break down what each of those mean:

Self-kindness vs. Self-judgment

This one is pretty self-explanatory. In order to be a self-compassionate person, you must be kind to yourself. This requires paying attention to your self-talk. What do you tell yourself when you feel inadequate? A good rule of thumb is to talk to yourself the same way you’d talk to your best friend. For example, when your best friend spends more money than intended on a Target trip, you tell her to enjoy the new shoes and keep working hard (so that she can afford the next pair). You wouldn’t tell her she sucks at staying on budget and deserves to be broke forever.. But sometimes, that is exactly what we do to ourselves! (P.S. This doesn’t mean you don’t hold yourself accountable, but you have to be patient and understanding in how you do it.) Rather than criticizing yourself and pointing out your flaws when you make a mistake, focus on kindness.

Common Humanity vs. Isolation

The idea of common humanity teaches us that sufferings, mistakes, and inadequacies are something we all share. Sometimes we can be tempted to believe that we are the only one having a hard time and that we are alone in our pain. But having hard times is what makes us human. A self-compassionate person understands that everyone has trials; we are not alone in our pain.

Mindfulness vs. Overidentification

Dr. Neff defines mindfulness as, “a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them.” This part of self-compassion is all about balance. We need to be able to recognize the negative feelings or emotions without letting it consume us. We can’t deny the existence of hard things, but we also can’t be so focused on them that it’s all we see. Part of being self-compassionate is being balanced and mindful in how you view your negative experiences.

Resources to Become More Self-Compassionate

The first step in becoming more self-compassionate, is being aware of  how you’re currently doing. Dr Neff has a test that you can take to see how self-compassionate you are. You can take the test here. After taking the test, check out her guided meditations and exercises. These are the same activities she uses in her research when working to increase self-compassion

Yoga is another wonderful tool for increasing kindness to yourself. My favorite yoga YouTube channel, Yoga with Adrienne,  has three self-love yoga practices that relate perfectly to this idea. You can find them here, here, and here.

Practice being more mindful. Meditation is a great way to increase mindfulness. If you’re new to the idea of meditation, Headspace and Calm are great apps that can get you started. Both of these apps teach you the basics and offer free meditations to try. Another way to practice being mindful is to examine a small common object (for example a nickel or a grape), something you see often. Take time to really look at it. What small details have you missed before? How does it reflect light? What temperature is it? What does it feel like in your hand? How does it smell? By slowing down to view these details, we see things in a different way. It becomes easier to find more meaning and be in the present moment.

My last tip is to write yourself a permission slip. Yes, write it. As in, get yourself a pen and piece of paper and write yourself a permission slip. Brene Brown talks about this idea in a clip from “Oprah’s Lifeclass”. Give yourself permission to not be perfect. Give yourself permission to try and fail at something. Make space for disappointment and inadequacy in your journey and know that you’ll be ok.

Wrappin’ It Up

Having self-compassion and self-love is more than treating yourself to bubble baths and watching Friends reruns in the name of self-care. It’s showing up for yourself; letting yourself suck at things. It’s setting goals that you may not achieve but pushing for them anyway because you’re worth finding out what’s possible. It’s not being afraid of the idea that you are not perfect. It’s reaching and trying and struggling and knowing that no one has it as together as it may seem. So, I hope you set goals. Big, scary goals. And I hope you love yourself enough to try to achieve them.

References:

• Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are (Center City: Hazelden, 2010), 57.

• Ana Sandoiu, “Why Self-Love is Important and How to Cultivate It,” Medical News Today, March 23, 2018.https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/321309.php#1

• Kristin Neff, “Definition of Self-Compassion” Self Compassion, February 10, 2020. https://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/

• Christopher K Germer and Kristin D Neff, “Self-Compassion in Clinical Practice,” Journal of Clinical Psychology: In Session 69, no. 8 (2013): 1-12