Words matter.
I did my undergraduate degree in anthropology (the study of culture..not bugs, like my grandpa repeatedly thought). Anthropology looks at the everyday systems in a culture and discovers the meaning behind them. During my studies, we talked a lot about how cultures differ; there are limitless ways to construct a culture. On the flip side, there are relatively few things that all cultures have in common. One commonality is the use of symbols. We use symbols to communicate to one another; language being the most common symbol that we have. All people use words to communicate meaning.
One of my favorite classes was called “Language in Culture and Society”. It had a profound impact on me (and not necessarily in a positive way...I questioned every word I said for months). I learned that word choice is important. We say weird things, and we don’t even realize they are weird simply because we don’t think about it. (Have you ever given a personality to an inanimate object? What is that about?) Even though this class messed with my head, it taught me that we use certain words for a reason and sometimes looking at our word choice can tell us a lot about what is really going on.
Now that I’ve been coaching for several years, there is one word in particular that always grabs my attention. Should. Whenever I hear someone say “should”, it makes me pause. In my experience, it is always important to explore what we mean when we use the word “should”.
Here is the dictionary definition:
should (v)
used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone's actions.
indicating a desirable or expected state.
used to give or ask advice or suggestions.
Each of these definitions presents a challenge in terms of behavior change. Let’s look at each one closer.
Obligation/Duty/Correctness
Example: “I know what I should be doing.”
The danger with using “should” in this way is that lasting change rarely stems from an obligation. If you are doing something because you feel like you “should”, at some point, you’re going to give up. You cannot build a healthy lifestyle on a shaky foundation. You need a clear why and a strong desire. There are a million things we can plug into the “I should...” sentence but without a desire to do them, it will never stick.
Rather than thinking about what you “should” be doing, consider what you want to be doing. This is crucial for longevity and motivation. Anytime you catch yourself saying what you should do (aloud or internally), try replacing “should” with “want to”. Does the sentence still hold true? If not, then scrap that idea.
Critique
It’s interesting that the definition says “should” is typically used when criticizing someone’s actions. I don’t think we realize that. When you say, “I know what I should be doing”, not only are you expressing that you know what you feel obligated to do or what would be “correct”, you’re also telling yourself that what you are doing is incorrect. It’s a subtle way to criticize yourself. The connotation is that your current efforts are not enough. This is an unintended consequence but can be extremely harmful if you’re feeling it consistently.
Desired/Expected State
Example: “I should have lost more weight by now.”
Everyone’s lifestyle journey is different. Every single one. So setting an expectation for yourself is pointless. There is no way to say what will happen in the future. There is no plan for what your journey “should” look like. It happens exactly as it is supposed to. That’s not to say we shouldn’t set goals and work towards improvement. Goals are absolutely necessary but they are different from expectations. A goal gives you a behavior to work on and a way to measure progress. Expectations don’t do that. An expectation is simply a belief that something will happen; there is no course of action attached to it. There’s no way to know what will happen so expectations often set us up for disappointment. Embrace your goals. Let go of your expectations.
Advice/Suggestion
Example: “My friend says I should…” or “Do you think I should...”
This one is a quiet danger. While it’s not wrong to consider options and ideas from others, the danger comes when you gather so much advice from others that you drown out our own thoughts and ideas. I believe that you already know the answers to improving your health. You may not recognize it but you have the answers inside of you. Who could possibly know what’s best for you other than you? Who can understand your situation and what will work or not work for you better than you? My job as a coach is to help you find those answers. A coach asks you the right questions so that you can reflect and pull the answers from within. By all means, consider different ideas, listen to your friends ideas and what works for them. But don’t live your life thinking that everyone else has the answers for you.
“Should” is an important word. It is a great indicator for us to dive deeper. We can learn a lot from what we say, to ourselves and to others. The next time you catch yourself saying “should”, consider what made you choose that word. What message are you telling yourself?
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