In case you need a reminder, making a lasting change is hard. And you are certainly not alone if you have a difficult time doing it.
Often there is a change that we want to make but when it comes to the moment of action, we just can’t get ourselves to do it. Like when you want to start a new morning routine and improve your productivity but then the alarm goes off and you decide you really just want that extra 9 minutes of sleep. You know what I’m sayin’?
A lot of times this mental block is blamed on motivation, (“I just can’t find the motivation to wake up earlier!”) but ambivalence is often what really prevents us from moving forward.
Ambivalence is defined as the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas. In simpler terms...it’s fence sitting. You want to do something, but also...you don’t. So, you stay seated on the fence, unable to commit to making a change.
If you’re feeling ambivalent towards change, it’s going to be really hard to make it happen.
One of the best ways to work through ambivalence is to give it a voice. You’ve got to understand what is really going on behind the scenes in your mind.
Here is an exercise I like to do with clients to start working through ambivalence.
We’re going to give each behavior a voice. You’ll hear arguments from both sides (the current behavior and the potential behavior change). After hearing the arguments, you will be the judge and decide how to move forward.
Here’s what you’ll ask regarding your current behavior:
(P.S. It’s really helpful to write your responses in your journal. The act of writing down your thoughts will force you to articulate the ideas.)
What are the advantages of continuing with your current behavior? Whatever you’re doing now, serves a purpose. There is something about it that is working for you. Try to determine what that is.
What are the downsides of continuing with your current behavior? Imagine what your life might look like if you don’t make a change. Where will you be in 5 years if you continue on the same path? Is this in line with where you want to be?
Next you’ll address the potential new behavior by asking two questions:
What are the downsides of changing your behavior? Maybe it seems too challenging right now. Or maybe you have some fears that you’ll need to address in order to change. If you do sense some fear around changing, take a closer look at what that fear is and where it is coming from.
What are the advantages of changing your behavior? Be very specific. These are really important to focus on. These advantages will become powerful motivators for you when you’re ready to start making the change. Write down every detail you can think of.
After you’ve heard both sides, you can weigh the options and determine what it is you really want. You may see that the pros of changing really outweigh the cons. This will give you motivation to push forward. Or, you might realize that you want to keep the current behavior and THAT IS OKAY. You may not be ready for or committed to the new behavior yet. Don’t try to force something that isn’t right for you! Consider if there is a better place to start that feels more in line with that you want or are ready for. Think of some new potential changes and hold another “trial”.
Here’s the thing…
In order to make a change, you have to change.
And that’s not just a nice saying. It’s real and it's uncomfortable and it's hard.
Think about that. YOU have to CHANGE.
That can feel like a lot to take on. It will never be easy but you can make it easier on yourself by being intentional with the goals you set. If you feel uneasy, unsure, or uncommitted, pay attention to that. You know you best. There’s a reason you’re having a hard time accomplishing a goal that you feel ambivalent about. Take the time to explore your goals, revise them as necessary, and be patient with yourself. You’re doing better than you think you are!
I've created a worksheet to help you with this exercise. If you'd like to download a copy, click here.
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